If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
yeet
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.