My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
You Might Also Like
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”