[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
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me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”