I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
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*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*cough*
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Our lord and savoury.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
🙂🐾
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room