When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
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I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it