kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
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(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too