**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”