Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
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I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
new shirt idea
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.