Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Um … Hot Wings please
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.