Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
(yawn)