My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
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What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
me hitting on a model
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas