When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
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Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
This hospital has everything
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
You’re the water to my grease fire.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*