Computer: shutting down
Me: same
You Might Also Like
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”