You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
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I am laughing way too hard at this.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
Gods work.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.