My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
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Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Perfect
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”