Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
You Might Also Like
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.