[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
You Might Also Like
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
sugar glider wrangler
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸