Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
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*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Most fashion shows these days…
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
not for long
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?