Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
uh oh
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I ate everything, including the H.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.