[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Bike for sale
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.