Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
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If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Okey dokey.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy