Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
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What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.