You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
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*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Well well well…
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay