Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break