Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.