Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
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wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
*ernest hemingway voice*
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
happy mother’s day❤️
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?