Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
You Might Also Like
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.