Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
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Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.