Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
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If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids