Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
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What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?