Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.