9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.