*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
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The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭