I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
😂😂😂
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”