Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Every haunted house movie:
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.