[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My love language is hissing.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick