The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
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The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.