The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
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“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
This meeting could have been a cake
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Holy moly
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles