My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
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Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!