Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
(Jupiter –
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop