[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
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I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*bites zombie*
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl