Did my cat write this
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?