We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?