Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
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Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My Plans 2020
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
omg leave her alone
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult