“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.