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Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.