Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
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My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
😂😂
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside