me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
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[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?