I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Please do it!
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?