I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
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*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.